FEELING 'UNSEEN' + THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN
We all have that one re-occurring theme in life. You can change the faces and the places but the feeling remains. A dynamic stuck in it’s tracks, replaying the same endless story.
I used to get so upset with myself. Why do i keep attracting the same experiences? What is so wrong with me that i can’t seem to get it right.
Since my ayahuasca ceremony I now understand that to fix the broken record that plays the same melody in the background of every chapter in life ... we have to first find the crack in the track.
We have to go back to the experience that cracked our hearts. If we don’t, life will find many ways to keep reminding you of what needs to be healed because that’s what it wants. Life wants you to blossom and expand. But to do so you have to dive deep into yourself and untie the anchor keeping you chained to the pain of that experience.
Lately I have been diving deep into my ‘theme’: feeling unseen. And alongside the fear of being seen.
I have this tug of war going on between the part of me that deeply wants to be seen and taken care of. And another part that absolutely fears it. I have uncovered childhood memories in the last few weeks of situations where i felt so unsafe to be seen. To be seen meant to be vulnerable for verbal tear-down and possibly my needs not being met. I also remember being 2 or 3 years old and being completely ignored while i was calling out to a loved one for attention. Even though it’s such a small thing, it made me feel so insignificant and unseen. It was one of the first times i remember someone intentionally ignoring me.
And so my whole life i have focussed so much on independence and not being reliant on others for my needs to shield myself from this pain ever occurring again. What i didn’t realise was that as i shielded myself and tried being completely self-reliant, i was pushing myself even further away from being able to connect with others.
And at the deepest core that is exactly what i wanted: to be seen for who i am, to be accepted, to be heard and to be met in my needs.
I feel like this pain of being unseen is so prevalent in the western world. We push for independence and individualistic values. But we forget that one of our most basic and most important needs is connection. Knowing that you can rely on others when you need it, finding comfort in each other’s stories and seeing each other’s good when we ourselves have moments of doubt. Reclaiming our inner authority, and shooting our roots deep within the rich soil of our community. That’s what I dream of … and the hyper-independent part of me feels vulnerable admitting this, but community is what I really need to be able to flourish and grow.
We need others. And that’s the beauty of life ~ because nothing is truly meaningful until we share it with others or it impacts others in a positive way.
If you feel stuck in life or need guidance in understanding your patterns better, feel free to reach out.