STABILITY & CHAOS
For the first time in my life i feel a sense of stability.
Even though big things are shifting and coming into alignment, there is an underlying sense of safety.
I never allowed myself the feeling of stability.
I think it comes back to having moved countries a couple of times when i was younger. Having to say goodbye to my friends, teachers, even bedrooms and favourite parks.
Even house rules would change unpredictably, depending on moods.
I learned from a young age that change is an innate part of life.
There is a certain strength in fluidity and adaptability.
But because i never experienced true stability,
my fluidity had no container to express itself in.
People ask me how i am able to deal with the risks and uncertainty of pursuing my dreams. And all i can really say is uncertainty has been the ground my whole reality has been built on from childhood. I know uncertainty so intimately, it has paradoxically been the only constant in my life.
But there is a part of my psyche that has craved for stability and has been left to starve.
And so if i couldn't find stability and predictability in my external world, the only place left was my mind.
I created rules upon rules for myself as to re-create that container i so desperately needed.
Going from food, to sleep routines, to daily schedules, to how i wanted to be perceived by the world.
A fierce attempt to control everything about myself while isolating myself from my external world. Why? Because it was going to change anyways. Why get attached to people and places when you know your life will get uprooted at any moment?
I belief this is what made me so introverted during high school and uni. As a kid i was actually quite social and loved spending time with friends. But after our first move, and without the proper emotional guidance from my parents (i don't blame them in any way at all) the only way i could make sense of it all and feel safe was to turn inwards. I turned towards myself in an attempt to keep at least my own little bubble constant.
Now i find myself in a place i never thought i could have. A place i never thought i deserved.
With people around me that i deeply care for and express those same feelings back.
I used to think stability equated stagnation. But i can see now that - just like with everything in life - both are needed.
You need earth and water to plant a seed. Too much water (or fluidity) and the seedling drowns. Too much earth (or stability) and it dries out and becomes stagnant.
I am finally allowing myself the earth i need around me.
The only way i can describe it: i can finally breathe again. I no longer feel my body fighting and striving, but simply absorbing and reflecting. And i feel finally safe to simply be. I feel safe to connect again with the people who come into my life - and it feels safe to be seen. And funnily enough my social extraverted side is showing up again.